It’s Saturday morning, and I feel a little bit weird. My husband has left for work a couple of hours ago after being home for 3 weeks due to a pretty intense chest infection, so today is the start of “life going back to normal” for both of us, which also means that for the first time in, what feels like ages, I am all alone. I don’t mind being alone so much, I’m quite used to it as my husband does 12 hour shifts, switching from days to nights, and I usually try to be productive on some level during those hours, whether that involves doing household chores, studying, or doing something for my mental health. But it feels different this time.
The moment that he left for work, I felt a sense of dread, and a feeling of pure melancholy. To distract myself from feeling this way, I read my book (Grim Tidings) a little bit, accompanied by a big cup of tea, but after 21 pages I realised that it wasn’t working, so I decided to do some household chores instead. I did all the cat jobs I do every morning, cleaned the bathroom a bit, had some breakfast, took out some recycling, and dealt with the dishes from this morning. But the moment all of that was done, the feelings of dread and melancholy came back. I know exactly why I am feeling this way, it’s because for the next 10 hours, I will have absolutely nobody to talk to, and sadly, that’s not an exaggeration.
Sure, I get a message every so often on Instagram, but that’s about as far as my social circle goes. I don’t really have friendships. Part of that is my own choice, I’ve been hurt by friends over and over again throughout my entire life, and this has left me with some severe trust issues, and because of that I refuse to really let anyone in. Is this healthy? No. But sadly, that’s just how I deal with it. Earlier this year I had a “friend break-up”, and I am constantly in overthinking mode about all of that. Combine the overthinking with the fact that I am apparently dealing with a lot of grief caused by that break-up (who knew you could be in so much pain from a friend break-up that it would cause you to be grieving this badly?!) and you have a brain that is just refusing to cope with loneliness. It. Is. Exhausting.
So what is my plan to deal with this loneliness and melancholic thoughts and feelings? I have no idea. I thought writing this blog post would help, but I can (obviously) barely find the right words. Spending time with the cats helps a little bit, but my little angels are all asleep after a very busy morning full of breakfast and zoomies.
Maybe I should make an extra large cup of tea, and see if journaling helps. Maybe I should just fully try and focus on my studies to distract my brain. Or maybe, just maybe, I should put on a Meg Ryan film and just have a big cry..
Leave a Reply